just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
