I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
