Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
