So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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