I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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