I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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