Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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