I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
