i can't believe i had my finger in that
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You've changed since you got that strap on
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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