I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
