The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
That reminds me...we need to get swords
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
