i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
