Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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