and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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