i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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