Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
