you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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