I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
