Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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