It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
