Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like death gave me a hand job
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
