New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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