so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
