my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
