Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
