what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
