Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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