I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
