I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
