either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
