The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
