I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
