if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
