My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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