so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
