captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
