I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
