I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
