heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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