Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
