hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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