More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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