I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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