I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
