I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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