Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
