I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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