whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
