Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
