this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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