I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
