I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
