my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
did i walk over a car last night?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize
