What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
