i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
